im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize