I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
