Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
