true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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