I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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