someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize