Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
