Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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