im having a threesome with these popsicles
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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