Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
