I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
