I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Randomize
