obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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