Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I don't deserve a penis
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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