I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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