So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dear god my vagina.
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