If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
No subtext here. People are naked.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
