So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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