cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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