I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
