i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
