do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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