you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
