half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
