When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
