I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
