I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
