when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
