apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
