guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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