You made me cry and you don't even care
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
