you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize