i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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