i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
