You just made me feel so damn special
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
