i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
