i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dear god my vagina.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
