so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
