I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
