His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
