life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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