True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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