How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
