So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
