I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
