Tell her she can't have a vagina
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
