do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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