He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
