I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
