The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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