I was born with a shot glass in my hand
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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