Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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