3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
