and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
